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restart sometimes i wish i would just disappear into thin air, or i had just pushed and went ahead to brisbane or sydney or adelaide. I know when I reach my limits and I also kind if figure out if i had stayed in SG, then my life would end up like this. 7 months has gone by for 2004 and i dont feel like i particulary completed anything. If you say a huge dip in my english standards and sudden low on my intellect is anything by means, then yes i suppose. I can almost feel myself decomposing. I hadnt move forward, instead i regress so badly I am almost ashamed of myself. Basically, i dont know what am i doing. And when i see everyone getting ahead, i panic. I try to tell myself i am moving forward in another way, but who am i kidding? I need a better education service. I had been on the edge about all the schools that have been put forward to me. I wish to the heavens that my parents understand what i have given up in order to go with what they want. I know of people pushing me and telling me to go for what I want. I do, and what do i end up with? A whole truckload of mess. My parents work in their own funny twisted way. Especially my mom. She thinks she thinks what I thinks. In order to appease her, i give up things that i want to pursue and she thinks that that is exactly what i want. I give up nutrition to do business and she thinks that is exactly what i want. I gave up studying in aussie because of financial reasons and her excuses. No, my family is NOT in any kind of debts if that is what you are thinking. Our finance reports are blue in colour and they are as healthy as they can get. Before you make any judgement, my parents are investment people. They, unlike me, believe in investments. Especially, properties and stocks, food stalls and more business. They believe in using money to make greater money. Thus, since my education in aussie isnt going to help them make money, they see no reason in investing on me. I certainly cant blame them because judging by my past results, they dont look too appealling either way. Now, that we've got our facts. Let me go into it. I gave up whatever was held for me in aussie because i didnt want them to fret. And i certainly aint a good cadidate enough for them to give that priviledge to me. My sister would be much a better choice. Thus, i settled here but only because i didnt want the ruffling of feathers.(like i said, if i had push harder, they would have given) Now, she really thinks that going into business is my choice, just because i am doing it now does not mean i indeed like it or have a interest in it. I lost interest in business long ago and for practical reasons. Business is too much of a mind game. not that i dont think i would fail in it but rather it takes too much a job to do it. Or rather, saying that i have changed my game plan in life is more of a better explanation. I decided that i didnt want to play my game in life the way i used to want it to be. The way i used to think was my desire. When youre growing up, you kinda realised things, dont you? Doesnt mean it used to be my thang means it is always gonna be my thang. Plus my parents think that my addiction to nutrition is just a phrase thing. Like how some parents thinks that their child gayness or lesbianism is just a bout of flu they caught from somewhere? That they must have some medication for their child to turn straight? In this case with my parents, its nutrition. In fact, I think i would do good in nutrition. It is a great subject (minus all the boring hellish theory you have to memorise) and i do think i would have a career in it. They somehow certainly think that my idea of doing law must also be another bout of flu but there is one thing i want to ask. Which debator hasnt thought about doing law? None. All of us do. That's a fact. And my idea of doing masters in sydney is more or less an act of rebel. Not that i dont personally want to go aussie (i do) but i think its about time, by that time, to do something for me. And if youre wondering. Why did i push to get a sony vaio laptop instead of a easy cheaper fujitsu is because i think getting controlled in the thing that is the most important to me in student life, to get control of something materialistic would be minimal. Apprently my parents do not get the feel out of this. This is the sadness of it when youre the eldest in your family. Youre the first one and they do not have experience in this, thus if they make a wrong decision it is gonna affect you in real life. Many people would have thought i would push. If i was younger i would, i certainly would. But that was in the past where nothing used to matter. I am older now and being older, responsibilities just falls and I am certainly not the kind who will ignore it. I take them on my shoulders and i walk with it my back straight. I just hope that my parents would appreciate whatever i am doing now and stop pushing me to do whatever more they want because i am not in the mood and i dont have the abilities or the capabilities to undertake whatever more they want me to. If only they realised my need to get away, my need to restart. My life up to now has been a mess. I havent gain control of anything and certainly i dont have my goals right. going to aussie might not guarante a successful start. I can even hear my dad saying anywhere doesnt matter. You can restart where you are now. But i need a place where no one knows me, so that they can judge me with me. People who have known me before have an idea of what i am with them. and its no way they are gonna discharge that idea of theirs and they become bias. Human nature. My ankles are bloated up so badly and my back hurts like crazy. Both hurts so much that if i hadnt had these experiences before i would have died from the pain. I wish i would. right now. Like i said, i dont mean to die. I just want another life. Away from all these. Another life, With God this time. 1:24 am powered by blogger |
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