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i need a big heart its so frustrating at times I dont believe in those shit but at times i do when i'm insecure. which happens to be most of the time. I am so fucking sick of you. Everytime i let you into my life, i thought we could have something like a restart. by that i dont mean restart as in restart. in a way, you know me than most people do. I could have spend a hundred hours longer with some people and still have not reach the same connection and understanding you and i have in barely ten minutes. I dont know if its a blessing or a curse. And everytime after less than one month i need you out of my life because youre sticking to me like glue and bothering the hell out of me. I am so so fucking sick of the in-my-life , out-of-my-life and then welcome-back thing. Until you friggin grow up, or else i dont see what else we can talk about. And for freaks sake, we are both caps. * I am so bored at home. I am suppose to study and i even stop going rciy for that. Gosh, i dont mean to stay away like how Alan or Mel stayed away. I dont want to be a one time thing. but the time isnt right. I had this nagging sense of cautious when i decided to join in the 2004/5 rciy journey that things aint gonna turn out the way i hope it to be. I prayed and wish to God i would stay with them through, but i didnt. Like i said, wrong timing. I have so many issues on hand and i dont even know how to begin. I know this may seem like a shock to many people, but i dont think i am returning to the church soon. Sunday mass is a obligatory. I will be there purely because its a duty. My parents and family wants me to be there, and like i said. I dont cower when responsibilities or duties decides to strike. I dont mean i will keep God out of me, but i do need some time off to settle some stuff. This might be a bad thing because i meet some really awesome and amazing people from church that i have no plans in deserting. Which leads me to think that i should let God help me. Because thinking i can solve my stuff myself is a, i wouldnt say its a sin, but its wrong? That didnt come out right tho. I know God is my helper. If its anything i need it should be Him i turn to. I am not larger than God and for that i should help him to help me. How many times have i heard that? But like i said, i am not keeping God out of my life. For advise i would definitely turn to Him. but before that, before i settle all my issues, even if i hear his Word every week isnt going to do anything for me. But i will, continue to spread his Word. That is one thing that i'll never change, even if i die. Like i said, i need a break from everything, period. * You know the adolescent period of finding who exactly you are, your sexuality, your goals, your idea in life? I dont think i went through that period. Because all along i always thought i knew what i wanted, how exactly i want to be, what my piriorities are and what exactly i am gonna do. Then something happend and i found out all that i was pursueing was not what i wanted. Its like somebody jerking me awake. Letting me understanding that money and control is not what i actually wanted. Both money and control is exactly what you get from doing a business. When i am expose to the reality of business, then you realise that things arent really as good as it seems. Well, if you enjoy at your job, then maybe yeah. But when i saw it for myself. I realised that it isnt what my naiive brain thought it was (trust me i thought i really had a good picture). Actually it didnt even come close. All the struggle, fighting for survival really did me in. Its so animalistic. That was why i decided to choose nutrition. It was something i enjoy (to a certain extent) and that is why i decide to go into it. Then came my parents claim of it being a "phrase". Not that i am complaining but if i were to put in my application for those aussie unis again, then i wouldnt choose nutrition. I have no idea what i want to choose but that aint a prob anymore. All i want, is to get away. * It seems funny and ironic. but i have friends who love Singapore and i have a lot where singapore have them a very bad impression and that i dont think they are coming back anymore. Nan is going to Canada in late august and she isnt coming back anymore. I certainly doubt it seeing the way things turned out for her here. I feel so ashamed majorly because my passport says SINGAPOREAN. I wont be able to see her here anymore and i would have to travel to myanmar or canada to see her next time. I cannot promise that Canada will treat her better than Singapore but a new beginning gives new hope. I know i am going to miss her like crazy. In my class/school, she is the one who knows me best and understand me best. Though some people might beg to differ because i am physically closer to some other people.But she is the closest singaporean-foreigner that i can find in my class whom i click with. She is definitely my kind of people. Just in case if youre thinking, she is nothing like the aminos but nan is nan in her own way. She doesnt have the connection me and jol has got obviously. That comes from some 11 years of good partying together. But if she is gonna stay i think we can create more thing possible. I havent commit my friendship to anyone in school yet. Not because i had a bad experience, i had but i got over it. It is just that i see no reason. Somehow i just lost the interest in making friends. I let them know things, but i let them know just enough and nothing more. I hate people digging things from me, whats worse is that they arent even close to me. I know what they all say that time doesnt matter. It doesnt matter to be, but i just see no reason. Am i starting to have an issue or this lost interest in making friends is really getting to me? Or maybe that i have a comfortabole situation with the aminos that i feel like i dont need anything else. Ah, the feelings of contentment. Good but scary. I witness, experience and i even write it in my stories that sometimes when you invest too much into something and it doesnt perform, the feelings suck and stuck. Its like losing a billion dollars. I certainly felt it, when i saw that grade for that subject my stomach had a sick feeling. I felt broke. Now that's the word. Broke. It was as if the stock market plunge again and it indeed left me penniless. This is where i learn back up. Not that i dont usually have a backup plan, i do. But i make mistakes. I ride confidence too high and it is my bad habit that i never seem to get it away. I just pray that i never make that mistake ever again. Watch my back for back. I'll scratch yours if you scratch mine. :) i wish you were here tonight with me to see the northern lights i wish you were here tonight with me i wish i could have you by my side tonight when the sky is burning i wish i could have you by my side cause i've been down and i've been crawling won't back down no more can't you stop the lies falling from the skies down on me,i'm still standing can't you roll the dice,i might be surprised conscience clear i'm still standing here burns like a thousand stars,though you're light years away burns like a thousand stars or more you're up there,you're always with me smiling down on meit's something sacred,something so beatiful something quiet to ease my mindwhen the pressure's taking me over and over cause i've been down and i've been crawling pushed around,always falling you're up there,you're always with me smiling down on me
The Rasmus (the band i'm addikted to currently) - Still standing 12:54 am powered by blogger |
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