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frienster has given me something actually. esp the testimonal from jolene. It actually really gives me a overview. i dont like coming up with excuse. An excuse is always an excuse, its just an excuse. what's worse, i dont like explaining, because sometimes others may see it that way that i feel oblige to explain which in other words, an excuse. i say jolene is my friend, and as her friend, i am willing to put up with any nonscence she gives out, but until now, she's been pretty good. and when i say jolene's my true friend, it means that i certainly am willing to tolerate the way she views me, not that she has given any problem just yet. but one thing, i dont like to prove anything to anyone, because all i need is an answer to myself. however, i need some space, so if you dont really want to continue reading, its fine. but she's one janei friend. in one testimonal, she made me think more than 10 times for each sentence. But, what i actually like to say is that, being straightout was me. maybe sometimes we are too glued together, it is really hard to take a step back and forward again, and see the same person in another way. the times i show the straightout is usually only when i am with the jayjaxjags. i think that when we are actually growing, it is important to highlight whatever wrong we have committed and change for the better. it is better to commit wrong now then later when we are working and learn things the hard way. i came by there, and it is not a good path to walk on. (well, unless you are really incorrigible, or i will voice my opinions on a LOT of things so there IS some getting use to) i have a freeway of expressing my thoughts, more on blog certainly. a lot of things, i dont say it right to your face you just dont know and there are things i wouldnt say it to your face. (you refers to the general public, people whom i know that is) maybe my dad's a business man, and i am very close to him. i see him work, i know that some things are better left unsaid. i have to admit, i am loud. very loud in fact. this is one thing i hate about myself. I got it from my mother. if you think i'm loud, my mum's 10 times louder than me. i dont know what my dad saw in her, but this is 100& my mum. and i dontknow who my mum got it from but her whole family is loud except one uncle and my grandma. I really dislike it, but what can i do? have you ever tried getting rid of one characeristic like this? many times i do things that i dont want to do. i say things i dont want to say. being mean is not me, but apart of me. i am used to being mean, (oh yes i am, just ask any jayjaxjags) but it comes as a very natural response. i dont mean to mock you with my words. i dont know why sonya wants to be friends with me (not that i dont want to, i thank God for there is her) but i think carmalita is a much better friend than me. at least she's civilised, smart, more hold back. i am barbaric, i think. ( but i'm glad at least i am genuine, according to jol) out of a sudden i ran out of things to say. i want to say and protest that i am not everything you see, but i wont bother, because it is the truth. That is the core personality of mine, which i am very ashamed of. I dont want you viewing me the way i do things on impulse (and here, i am not talking about buying things that i dont want to buy, i always do that, just ask sb). I would love, of course, if you view me as someone with susbstance. Someone with some inside, someone who is good at the things she do. to put it simply, i dont want to be an ah-lian or a bimboe or a good-for-nothing-useless bum. But i dont direct your views, you do. allow me, to present you parts of Anne Frank diary version 3 (the one written by her father with parts of it gettig it frm her diary itself). it tells you the actual like that, because i tried very hard to change, but i wont protest that is because it is a fact. (you wouldnt know how hard i tried, even my dad ask me to give up trying, but i wont. i am ashamed of my heritage but i wont say it. ) i knew since forever that i am like this and this is why shushilla hates me. i said it before she sees through me, and knows me for who i actually am. I tried to hide it, but it always surfaces. this is me, the core me. something that may never change, but i have to. i try to, but i dont think i have any improvement if jol could describe me in this way. no, jol, i am not angry. i am just glad that you tell it to me. I prefer it very much this way. if there's anything wrong, tell me, i change. or at least i try. i am loud but i am not a babblermouth. but not only thanks to jolene, thanks to tracie too. she started me off on the track of improvement but i guess i did her no justice. that is why i value her so much, me, and that was why i read every single word of Anne Frank to the last page. " As i have told you many times, i'm split into two. One side contains my exuberant cheerfulness, my flippancy, my joy in life and, above all, my ability to appreciate the lighter side of things. By that i mean not finding anything wrong with a flirtatious kiss, an embrace, an off colour joke. This side of me is usually lying in wait to ambush the other one. Which is much purer, deeper, finer. No one knows Anne's better side, and that is why most people cant stand me. Oh, i can be an amusing clown or an afternoon, but after that everyone had enough of me to last a month. Actually, i am what a romantic movie is to a profound thinker - a mere diversion, a comic interlude, something that is soon forgotten, not bad but not particulary good either. i hate having to tell you this, but why shouldn't i admit when i know its true? My lighter side, more superficial side will always steal a march on the deeper side and therefore, always win. You cant imagine how often i push away this Anne which is only half of what is known as Anne - to beat her down, hide her. but it doesnt work" " so the wise Anne is never seen in company, she's never made a single appearance, though she almost always takes the centre stage when i'm alone. i know how i'd like to be, how i am , on the inside" i hope you really understand more of me now. but going through anne frank has given me other thoughts, if i had given you the " other side of Anne" you probably wont want to be my friend anymore. because i am dammit serious when i am " the other side of Anne". no joke. i think and reflect a whole lot when i am alone and some people may experienced it before, but i think they perhaps didnt think twice how come i can be so " angie" in one minute and " the other side of Anne" the next. well, think about it. 9:58 pm powered by blogger |
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